29.9.12

Decadent

Há quase um ano entrei em um processo que talvez as palavras mais próximas seriam "declínio de felicidade". Não sei se era depressão porque nunca a tive e os sintomas não me pareciam ser tão graves. Mas eram sintomas suficientes para perder a vontade de fazer tudo. Tudo estava me incomodando e não sabia o que era. Perdi todas as formas de fome, estava insatisfeito com meu trabalho, com meu cabelo, corpo, pé, unha, com Sydney, com tudo. Como bem escreveu Frank O'hara em Mayakovski, eu estava esperando calmamente a catástrofe da minha personalidade. E ela veio. Não conseguia sair de casa. Só ia pro trabalho e voltava. Mas, como se sabe, isso é um ciclo vicioso. 

Até que descobri, por acaso, o que me faltava. Posso parecer infantil agora, mas era a falta de ambição e de pensar com os meus dois lados do cérebro. Com insistência e nadando contra todas as impossibilidades gritantes em facebooks, twitters e conselhos (sim, eu leio pensamentos e status de amigos e reflito sobre. Como duvidar de alguem que voce tem como um dos seus guru de profissao?!), eu comecei a sentir de novo o gosto e cheiro de tudo pela primeira vez. Finalmente consegui me sentir aliviado, sem um peso enorme nas costas. Sinto que estou fresco novamente. Renovado. Tudo continua como sempre foi, mas finalmente consegui me sentir de novo. 

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